In this guide, we’ll explore how to fix relationship problems by avoiding six common conflict mistakes. As a couple therapist, I’ve helped over a thousand couples save their marriages since 2004. If you’re struggling in your relationship, feeling hopeless, or starting to despair, this guide is for you. Comment “guide” below, and I’ll send you my free resource on how to rebuild your marriage in 90 days.
Let’s dive into the six conflict mistakes that commonly create relationship problems. Stick around to learn the most critical mistake at the end.
6. Flooded
Flooding occurs when you enter a fight, flight, or freeze state during conflicts. Your heart rate spikes above 100, impairing your ability to think clearly. In this state, couples often say hurtful things, leaving emotional scars that make resolving relationship problems harder.
To avoid this mistake, use the word flooded as a safe boundary. If tensions rise, say “flooded” and take a break for 20 minutes to 24 hours. This allows you to calm down before continuing the conversation. Make sure to spend this time apart—go outside, read a book, or do anything that lowers your heart rate. Once calm, reconvene to discuss the conflict.
Avoid overriding your partner if they say “flooded.” It should be a mutual signal to pause the interaction and defuse the situation before tackling your relationship problems again.
5. Negative Intent
Negative intent is assuming the worst in your partner. For instance, if you tell your partner, “You’re dismissing my feelings,” you’re assuming their intent was to hurt you. This approach often triggers defensiveness and worsens relationship problems.
Instead, frame your feelings around their actions. For example, say, “The way you said that makes me feel like my feelings are being dismissed.” This avoids assigning blame and invites constructive dialogue.
If your partner accuses you of dismissing their feelings, resist the urge to defend yourself. Instead, ask, “What am I doing that’s coming across that way?” This approach allows for mutual understanding and helps prevent escalating relationship problems.
4. Differentiation
Differentiation means remembering you and your partner are unique individuals with different perspectives. During conflicts, you’ll each recall events differently. Avoid trying to convince your partner that their version of events is wrong.
Respecting these differences is essential for addressing relationship problems. Instead of getting bogged down in who is “right,” focus on understanding your partner’s perspective and finding common ground.
3. Listening
Listening is critical to resolving relationship problems. After calming down, take turns sharing your experiences of the conflict. Avoid interrupting or correcting your partner’s version of events, even if you disagree.
Instead, focus on the overall impact the conflict had on your partner. Ask yourself, What feelings or impressions did this conflict leave on my partner? This helps both partners feel heard and validated, which is key to fixing relationship problems.
2. Own It All
During conflict resolution, it’s natural to want your partner to own up to everything you believe they did wrong. However, this expectation can worsen relationship problems.
Encourage your partner to own at least one part of their behavior. At the same time, reflect on your own actions—how did you contribute to the conflict? Did you raise your voice, assume negative intent, or use harsh words?
Being accountable for your part builds trust and opens the door for constructive solutions to relationship problems.
1. Solutions
End every conflict resolution discussion with solutions. Discuss what you both can do better moving forward. It’s crucial that both partners contribute to improving the relationship.
Ask questions like:
- What can I do better next time?
- What would you appreciate seeing from me moving forward?
This collaborative approach fosters hope and gives structure to your efforts to fix relationship problems.
Summary of the 6 Conflict Mistakes
- Flooded: Recognize when tensions rise, take a break, and defuse before re-engaging.
- Negative Intent: Avoid assuming the worst in your partner; reframe your concerns constructively.
- Differentiation: Accept that you and your partner have different perspectives, and that’s okay.
- Listening: Hear your partner’s experience without interrupting or correcting.
- Own It All: Take accountability for your role in the conflict.
- Solutions: End with actionable steps you both can take to improve your relationship.
If you’re struggling with relationship problems and feel hopeless, comment “guide” below for a free resource to rebuild your marriage in 90 days.
Remember, resolving relationship problems requires mutual effort, patience, and commitment. Apply these six steps, and you’ll be on your way to a healthier and happier partnership.
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- 12 Relationship Mistakes That Are Crushing Your Relationship
- 30 Common Relationship Problems and Solutions
- Common Relationship Problems and How to Deal With Them
FAQ’S
1. What does “flooded” mean in a relationship conflict?
It means when emotions escalate, and it’s hard to think or communicate clearly.
2. How can I fix relationship problems when feeling flooded?
Take a break for 20 minutes to 24 hours and come back to talk once both are calm.
3. Why is assuming negative intent harmful in a conflict?
It leads to defensiveness and worsens the argument.
4. How should I express my feelings during an argument?
Say how the behavior makes you feel, instead of accusing your partner.
5. What is the importance of differentiation in a relationship?
It’s recognizing you and your partner have different perspectives and memories.
6. How do I listen effectively during a conflict?
Listen to your partner’s feelings and experience without interrupting or correcting.
7. Should I expect my partner to own everything in a conflict?
No, focus on what both of you can own to move forward.
8. How do I take responsibility for my part in a conflict?
Acknowledge your actions and how they may have contributed to the conflict.
9. What should we do after defusing a conflict?
Discuss solutions and what both partners can improve moving forward.
10. How can I rebuild my marriage if it feels hopeless?
Comment guide below for a free resource to rebuild your marriage in 90 days.